How to Deal With My Boyfriend Who Still Talks to His Ex Girlfriend

It's not quite over yet (Photo: helpingpsychology.com)

Depending on the frequency of their chats and the nature of their interactions, you may feel a strong urge to ask your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend. It is not unusual or wrong for you to do so, since having another woman in the picture can provoke some amount of jealousy and insecurity, even in women with good self-esteem. But while you may want your boyfriend to stop talking to his ex in order to protect your own relationship, it is important that you approach the issue in a positive and sensitive manner.

Carefully discuss how you feel

Even though you may feel hurt or neglected knowing the ex still gets the attention of your boyfriend, blatantly asking him to stop talking to her can make you seem as if you want to control who he should and should not speak to. It also shows up your insecurities, especially if you are overreacting in the process. Have a heart-to-heart discussion, and be honest and upfront about how you feel. Your boyfriend may not understand or agree with everything you say. However, depending on his response, the discussion may help dispel any fears you have, and as psychotherapist Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT, says, open dialogue can fortify your partnership in all realms. 1

Ask relevant questions

If you think it will help you better understand why your boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex, consider asking him questions, such as whether he still has romantic feelings for his ex, whether he thinks it is necessary for them to continue to communicate, and whether he intends to completely end his relationship with her in the near future. Be gentle in your approach as being blatant may make you appear insensitive, especially if you push your boyfriend too hard to provide answers or discuss sensitive matters he's not ready to. 2

Consider your boyfriend’s views

The ex may not be as much of a threat as you imagine, so listen carefully to what your boyfriend says about why he continues to talk to her. He may share a legitimate reason you might not have thought about. Some exes remain in contact for a while to help ease the pain of the break-up.

Trust him

Let him know that although you are uncomfortable with him still talking to his ex that you trust him. If there is nothing going on between him and his ex it will show. Besides, once he repeatedly shows you you are the number one woman in his life it shouldn’t matter that he remain friends with his ex. 3

What if he gets upset?

Some exes remain in contact for a while to help ease the pain of the break-up, but this can backfire and spark the love between them again. This is why relationship coach Natalie Lue emphasizes the “No Contact” rule and says when you break up with someone but are still receptive, “it’s basically like having a security keypad on your proverbial door.”4

 

Also, your boyfriend may get upset or even accuse you of being mean or selfish for expecting him to stop talking to his ex, even though you haven't out-rightly ask him to. It might be fair to find out how he would feel if you were talking to your ex-boyfriend still. He may not realize he is being insensitive to your feelings, and, perhaps by putting himself in your shoes he might better understand why you are protective of your relationship.

Tips

·         Remain open to continuous dialogue with your boyfriend. This may help him become more sensitive to your feelings.

·         Give him the benefit of any doubt and hope that the situation evens itself out eventually.

Reference 1: Dr. Prem Jaygasi, Dr. Prem.Com, How to Deal Your Boyfriend’s Ex-girlfriend
http://drprem.com/howto/boyfriends.html

Reference 2: Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT, I Am Not Comfortable with my Boyfriend Talking to His Ex: What Should I do? http://decodinghim.com/i-am-not-comfortable-with-my-boyfriend-keeping-in-touch-with-his-ex-what-should-i-do/

Reference 3: Dr. Joe Amoia, creator of Smarter Dating For Women and the Quantum Leap Ultimate Relationship Program, Dating Without Drama.Com http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/your-guy-is-still-talking-to-his-ex-should-you-be-concerned/#sthash.1qhZzfCG.dpuf

Reference 4: Baggage Reclaimed, No Contact: Why You Need to Keep Your Proverbial Door Closed…Even When They Try to Break it Down by any Means Necessary,http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/

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