Domestic Violence Awareness Month: Why Women Continue to Stay in Abusive Relationships.

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Read When Your Abuser Denies the Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this week America is celebrating the cause of women who have survived domestic violence as well step up the campaign of advocacy against domestic violence against women, men, and children.

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we recognize the significant achievements we have made in reducing domestic violence in America, and we recommit ourselves to the important work still before us. Despite tremendous progress, an average of three women in America die as a result of domestic violence each day. One in four women and one in thirteen men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. These statistics are even more sobering when we consider that domestic violence often goes unreported.

The ramifications of domestic violence are staggering. Young women are among the most vulnerable, suffering the highest rates of intimate partner violence. Exposure to domestic violence puts our young men and women in danger of long-term physical, psychological, and emotional harm. Children who experience domestic violence are at a higher risk for failure in school, emotional disorders, and substance abuse, and are more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence themselves later in life.

Read the full proclamation by President Obama by accessing the link here:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/10/03/presidential-proclamation-national-domestic-violence-awareness-month

Considering the latest statistics, that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, this is not only an eye-opening figure, but one has to go on further to ask why many times victims remain in their abusive relationships. It is a topical issue which has plagued the minds of advocates and those who work to understand the gamut of issues surrounding domestic violence and victims’ response.

Woman to Woman Blog Talk decided to share a few comments we have received from women themselves who either have been or are in domestic violence relationships/marriages or work to assist victims. The question was posed, WHY DO SOME WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?

Read Mary Battafuoco's story of survival click My Survival Story

My Hypothetical Divorce says:

“I have to chime in- even at 56k way up in the mountains. The first and most devastating reason that women stay is illustrated by the statistical evidence that, WOMEN WHO ARE IN VIOLENT RELATIONSHIPS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE KILLED WHEN THEY TRY TO LEAVE THAN AT ANY OTHER TIME.

Even women who perhaps haven’t heard about this instinctually know that they are at high risk when they endeavor to leave. It’s really just simple addition. “He’s nuts, he’s volatile and if I leave it’s gonna most definitely piss him off. High stress + change = unpredictable results.

For many women, I think the second reason is CHILDREN.

For women already in crisis, the emotional and financial costs of leaving may seem insurmountable when a child’s health and well being are also at stake. It’s easy to say… “Hey, forget it! If I have to live in my car for a couple of months, I’ll be fine, when you are not a parent.” It’s not easy to uproot a child, especially if no harm has ever come to the child, just to ensure your own safety. Most battered women with children have already been controlled by their abuser with isolation and financial dependency. That leaves women with very few resources to fend for themselves, much less protect and provide for a child.

The fact that our family courts are broken into pieces doesn’t help either. Some women find the task of a divorce terrifying when our courts favor the parent most likely to co-operate. Battered women are seen as over protective in private courtrooms and currently many of their children have been or will be sent with their abusive fathers (who appear more composed in court), only to be battered themselves or even die.

Women who are aware of this epidemic, as well as women who are not, have good reason to fear divorce and custody battles that they engage their abusers in. Abusive people are, after all, astoundingly good manipulators.

So that’s my beef with the question as to why women stay in abusive relationships. That’s why my divorce is “hypothetical”."

Dede says:

"I am so glad I found this site. 17 years ago I left an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship and vowed I would never let myself think about it again. In the past few weeks I find it rearing it’s ugly little head and feel I really need to deal with it or I will never be happy again. All of the things that I’ve read in this blog are so true. The men isolate you from all your friends so you are alone, and belong only to them (in their mind).

I had no idea that anyone else felt like this, really no idea. Or maybe I just didn’t let myself think about it. I locked it in an emotional safe and forgot the combination.

The man I was with started out as romantic, passionate, caring, demonstrative, and we had the best sexual relationship ever. I had no idea it could be that good. But that good became bad after about 10 months or so as began to pick fights with me because he loved make-up sex. It was like being raped after awhile but no slapping or hitting… just wearing me down until I submitted. How could I do that? I have always been a strong woman who never let any man boss her around. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid. And the funny thing is, I don’t like using the word ‘stupid’, but after that relationship I have been using it a lot. I think that’s the first thing I’ll change as of right this minute.

I was blinded by his words, always telling me he loved me and saying how beautiful I was. I was a good looking woman, so I didn’t really need him to tell me I was, but he did it so often that I guess I grew to like it. Also, the ‘I love you” all the time. That blinded me.

And here is something interesting. He was trying to make me think I was crazy. He would mention a movie and say ‘remember how we laughed at it’ or something like that. The first time I really wondered if I had forgotten it. But as time went on I made sure I remembered everything so I wouldn’t have to wonder, and he did it to me again and again. Telling me I had said things a couple of hours before, and I knew I didn’t, because that would not have been something I wanted to do or say. He was evil. And he did it all in the pretense of being super religious. Wow.

So, I’m coming back to this site and I hope other women find it. I have a lot of healing to do and forgiving of myself, because some day I would really like to have a nice healthy, happy, non-abusive relationship with a man. That would be nice. But I’m not settling ever again. And I am so critical of men who are nice to me now.

Women need to band together. We are strong and we deserve to be treated right. That’s the truth.

I love you all, my sisters. We can all get through this together."

Barbara says:

"Not only do I have a blog but I mentor women online coming out of abusive relationships. I learned something HUGE – Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, brainwashed, mind controlled women who are bonded to the abuse and simply can’t even think about leaving. Fear and brainwashing keep them in the relationship.

I strongly recommend every woman get and read a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA. It’s not on Amazon – there’s a link on my blog and I don’t make a dime on it. It’s vital information – don’t be put off by the title. You’ll learn loads about the victim side of the abuse dynamic.

Vist my website at http://abusedsanctuary.blogsot.com/

Domestic Violence Awareness Month evolved from the first Day of Unity observed in October, 1981 by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The intent was to connect battered women advocates across the nation who were working to end violence against women and their children. The Day of Unity soon became a special week when a range of activities were conducted at the local, state, and national levels. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.ncadv.org/ )"

You might also like The Police Role in the Fight Against Domestic Violence

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The Police as Critical Agents in the Fight Against Domestic Violence

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“…we cannot overlook the instances, and they are many, when through their quick response and professionalism, those sworn to protect and serve were diligent in helping to bring perpetrators of violence to justice.”

In many countries across the world, and states within the United States of America, the police have come in for heavy criticisms on claims that they tend to take a hands down approach to the crime of domestic violence.

Although generally regarded as a misdemeanor, domestic violence (abuse and battery) is a crime that is widespread.

It is so widespread, having potential for fatal consequences, that some have questioned the class within which this crime is placed. Misdemeanors are on the lowest tier of the classes of crimes, attracting the least amount of fines, penalties and punishment.

Many women, men and children have been severely injured or killed as a result of unresolved issues of physical abuse and violence within the home.

This may explain why the general citizenry would expect the police to take a more proactive role in helping to bring an end to domestic violence.

You may have heard cases where police officers were quoted as saying that they do not interfere in domestic affairs, and this may be factual especially depending on the jurisdiction.

In other cases, officers are accused of mishandling the situation, or of arresting the ‘wrong’ party in the domestic squabble. Take for example, Party A, was assaulted and/or battered by Party B. However, when the cops came, Party A, because of his/her erratic behavior may be perceived and deemed the “primary aggressor,” and so is arrested instead of the actual assailant or batterer.

Several months ago, a woman wrote criticizing the police for ‘wrongful arrest.’ She said her husband broke her arm and ribs. He then beat her to the punch and called the police. Instead of arresting him, and despite her very visible injuries, she was the one arrested and thrown in the lock-ups. The first question that might pop into your mind might be “how fair is that?”!! Yes, with exclamation marks. Well, hold your horses. She agreed to slapping him first. This being the truth of the matter, she argued that to the very least both of them should have been arrested. You may agree or disagree with the argument or alleged course of action by the police.

But are our officers being unfairly criticized?

Attending to calls pertaining to alleged crimes are fraught with rules and procedures that are expected to be followed. Otherwise the police may find themselves in suit for breach of rules and procedures. As simple as it may appear, being read the Miranda Rights, for example, is something that is fundamental in the process of prosecution. A mere neglectful omission to read a suspect or arrestee his/her rights may result in the entire arrest being improperly made. This in turn can affect the outcome of any case that may arise from the arrest. A good case can fall apart for want of proper arresting procedures.

Why are we talking about rights? Because it cuts to the core of rules and procedures and, even in family abuse and violence cases, police officers have a legal duty to be diligent.

Resources

Many times, and from a more practical standpoint, attending to calls to intervene in a domestic violence situation depends on external factors that the police often have little or no control over. And much of those factors go back to one thing: RESOURCES.

Human resources, and financial resources, are primary factors in determining the level of performance by these agents within the criminal justice system. Furthermore, human and financial resources are critical to the efficient and effective functioning of any organization.

Institutional policies and inadequate training on how to handle domestic violence cases may further impede response and performance.

This being said, we cannot overlook the instances, and they are many, when through their quick response and professionalism, those sworn to protect and serve were diligent in helping to bring perpetrators of domestic violence to justice.

In essence, what we should take from this is that our police officers are too often given less credit than they deserve.

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Why Do Abusive Men Abuse?

Is your husband or partner abusive towards you? Why Do Men Abuse? And Their Denial or Minimization of the Abuse

[Although this may sound as if it's a simplistic question, there are greater underlying issues concerning why men abuse. Here's a rationale behind his abusive behavior, plus more common traits of an abusive personality. Whatever you do, remember domestic violence comes from learned behavior.]

by Sanctuary for the Abused

(we have used the male gender, your abuser could be female)

(‘battering’ can be extended to verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)

Abusive men batter women as a means of power and control, to manipulate, intimidate and rule their intimate partner.

Men who abuse their partners come from all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, areas of the world, educational levels and occupations.

They often appear charming and attentive to outsiders, and even to their partners, at first.

Many batterers are very good at disguising their abusive behavior to appear socially acceptable. Once they develop a relationship with a partner however, they become more and more abusive.

Characteristics of Domestic violence perpetrators:

• Seek control of the thoughts, beliefs and conduct of their partner


• Punish their partner for resisting control.

Men who batter:

1. minimize the seriousness of their violence.


2. act impulsively.


3. distrust others.


4. need to control people and situations.


5. express feelings as anger. 

A batterer covers up his violence by denying, minimizing, and blaming the victim. He often convinces his partner that the abuse is less serious than it is, or that it is her fault. He may tell her that “if only” she had acted differently, he wouldn’t have abused her. Sometimes he will say, “You made me do it.”

Victims of abuse do not cause violence. The batterer is responsible for every act of abuse committed.

 Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It is learned through:

• observation


• experience


• culture


• family


• community (peer group, school, etc.)


•  (Personality disorders, mental illness, and other problems may compound domestic violence, but the abusive behavior must be addressed separately. )

 Abuse is NOT caused by:

• mental illness


• ADD/ ADHD


• genetics


• alcohol and drugs


• out-of-control behavior


• anger


• stress


• behavior of the victim


• problems in the relationship

Many men blame their violence on the effects of drug and alcohol use. Alcohol abuse is present in about 50 percent of battering relationships. Research shows that alcohol and other drug abuse is commonly a symptom of an abusive personality, not the cause. Men often blame their intoxication for the abuse, or use it as an excuse to use violence. Regardless, it is an excuse, not a cause. Taking away the alcohol, does not stop the abuse. 

Substance abuse must be treated before or in conjunction with domestic violence treatment programs.

A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a “right” to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

Some ways batterers deny and minimize their violence:

• “I hit the wall, not her head.”


• “She bruises easily.”


• “She just fell down the steps.”


• “Her face got in the way of my fist.”

 Characteristics of a Potential Batterer 

• Jealousy


• Controlling behavior


• Quick involvement


• Unrealistic expectations


• Isolation of victim


• Blames others for his problems


• Blames others for his feelings


• Hypersensitivity


• Cruelty to animals or children


• “Playful” use of force during sex


• Verbal abuse


• Rigid sex roles


• Jekyll and Hyde type personality


• History of past battering


• Threats of violence


• Breaking or striking objects


• Any force during an argument


• Objectification of women


• Tight control over finances


• Minimization of the violence


• Manipulation through guilt


• Extreme highs and lows


• Expects her to follow his orders


• Frightening rage


• Use of physical force


• Closed mindedness

 Manipulation

Abusers often try to manipulate the “system” by:

• Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children. 


• Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner’s financial hardship. 


• Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is “crazy” and making things up. 


• Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him. 


• Telling police she hit him, too.


• Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.


• Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.


• Accusing her of stalking him and/or his family.


• Accusing her of harrassment.


• Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to “win” her back in some of these ways:

• Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.


• Talking about his “difficult childhood”.


• Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they’ve had.


• Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner. Crying, begging for forgiveness.


• Promising it will “never happen again.” Promising to get counseling, to change.


• Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

Lies Abusers Tell

Abusers often tell lies about their violence to themselves (their partners and society):

“I just need to be understood”.

"I had a bad childhood.”

 “I can’t control it.”

 "I get angry.”

 “She fights too.”

 “She pushes my buttons.”

 “If I don’t control her, she will control me.”

 “My smashing things isn’t abusive, it’s venting.”

 “I have a lot of stress in my life.”

 “I just have an anger management problem.”

 “I just have a problem when I drink or use drugs.”

 Link to original publication http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/why-do-abusive-men-batter-we-have-used.html

Do you think you’re in a relationship with an abuser? Tell us about your experience. Leave your comments below.

Remember, if you’re being abused or battered, it is your right to end it. It is your right to seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides 24 hour assistance. Call now! 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224

Has your abuser denied or minimize his violence against you? How did it make you feel? Share your experiences with us by commenting below.

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Judging and Blaming the Woman Can Worsen Domestic Violence

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If you or someone you know is in an abusive marriage or relationship, hard as it is, the only option is to leave! Unfortunately, for many women it is not that simple. In the meantime, these women are often made to feel responsible for the abuse and violence.

What is more disturbing is the ease at which some blame the woman for domestic violence committed against her, often without understanding the myriad of factors and issues at play. Ironically, women are more often the ones who are quick to cast blame. Without accepting that women are to be blamed, relevant questions are: What about the man? Should his actions be overlooked, justified, condoned?

When persons find out that a woman suffered lengthy periods of domestic abuse and violence, often the first question that comes is, “Why did you stay with him?” There is no one or clear answer to the question, and, as Psychologist Lenore E. Walker, Battered Woman pointed out way back in the 1970′s, there are “complex psychological and sociological reasons,“ which help explain why women stay. As relevant as the question “Why does she stay?“ may be, we have to be careful about what we ask or say in such sensitive situations. It can do more harm than good. Asking such questions can suggest that the woman either enjoyed or thrived on the abuse and is to be blamed for what happened to her. Obviously, if she didn’t like it she would leave, right? Or, is her self-esteem that low? Those are often not the reasons why a woman chooses to stay. In fact, I won’t even regard it as a choice, since often times she is staying against her will. Looking on from the outside, for example as a relative or friend, we must understand the effects of our words and actions towards the abused woman. We can make the situation worse by our approach without realizing it!

Until you are in that woman’s shoes, you will not know, as she may put it, “how hard it is to leave and how difficult it is to stay.” It’s like being “caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.”

Don’t get me wrong, this article is not meant to encourage women to stay in abusive relationships nor is it meant to justify why they do not leave. The purpose is to highlight key reasons why some women stay and, perhaps more importantly, to caution victim-blamers. As a person on the outside, the key role is to support, not to judge and blame. Blaming the woman even after she quitted the violent relationship can also have adverse effects.

Some things victim-blamers and people generally should understand

•Victim-blaming can breed dangerous consequences for the victim, e.g., cause her to lose self-esteem, and ultimately stay in her situation in fear of being further judged, humiliated, embarrassed, and isolated by those to whom she tells her story. Make no mistake, victims need help and a safer place to stay. But, your duty is not to add salt to her wounds. If she stays on, she can eventually wind up badly injured or dead!

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, you must also understand that abusive relationships don’t start with violence. One expert pointed out that abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. By then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time. It’s hard to judge the decisions a victim makes to survive. But people nonetheless jump to victim-blaming with ease.

Also, victim-blamers often don’t understand that abusers work to break the victim’s self-esteem. Even though victim–blamers know the abuser is the villain, they will still jump to the conclusion that a woman who stays with such a man is clearly a fool—one who chooses to condone the situation.

“Blaming women for causing men to batter them has resulted in their shame, embarrassment, denial, and further loss of self esteem. The batterer feels justified in his violent behavior because society says it is really the woman’s fault, not his. It perpetuates his notion that he should beat her up because she did something to make him angry. What gets lost in this victim’s precipitation ideology is the fact that such violence is not acceptable behaviour.” (Walker)

Be non-judgmental. Instead, try to understand the issues and why the woman stays without directly seeking answers from the victim herself. Think about it and ask yourself what obstacles might prevent her from leaving her partner. Does she love him? Is he the father of her child/children? Does he control the finances?

Why some women stay

There are a number of reasons that can explain why many women feel forced to stay in their abusive relationships. Some common reasons are:

•Lack of resources

•Responses by services and authorities

•Tradition

Lack of resources

“He is the breadwinner and I don’t have money to take care of myself and children” is a common answer to the question, “Why stay?” When she does not have the financial resources to leave she doesn’t, as she often fears a lower standard of living for herself and children. Statistics show that many abused women are those who are:

•Unemployed and/or don’t have their own property;

•Have had their cash or bank accounts cut off by the abuser;

•Have at least one minor child;

•Fear losing joint assets and custody of their children, etc.

Responses by authorities and services

The police, clergy, and social workers have duties to deal with domestic violence. The question is how effective are they in dealing with them? Unfortunately, in some countries or states, police may sometime treat incidents of domestic violence as mere “domestic disputes” or a “private matter,” rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another. Fortunately, many if not all U.S states strive towards a zero-tolerance approach to domestic abuse and violence. As an option, a restraining/protection order can be obtained to prevent further physical contact/abuse by the abuser, but such orders are not a guaranteed shield against a repeat of violence.

Tradition

Tradition can be good but sometimes it can be our worst enemy. Suggest divorce as an option or the way out of her violent relationship and the victim will almost always look at you as if you’re crazy. Paranoid about saving her marriage—sadly at all cost, she may accuse you of wanting to break up her marriage. Blame it on tradition. Society is so skewed in its thinking that it sees and measures a woman’s worth by her ability to ‘keep a man’; that women are responsible for making their marriage or relationship work; and therefore if it fails, they have failed.

At the end of the day, breaking off the relationship is usually not an option for many of these women—well, at least, not a simple option, especially when children are involved or if the victims are financially weak. As a last resort and by the time she could muster the courage to cut her losses, she would have already lost a lot of herself.

Remember, support NOT judge and blame. “By perpetuating the belief that it is rational to blame the victim for her abuse, we ultimately excuse men for their crime…The violence will only cease when every person, man or woman, stops defensively rationalizing and begins to understand just how such acts come about in our culture and why they continue.” (Walker)

Women, you have an even greater responsibility to stand up for your fellow women.

Why do you think she stays? We welcome your comments below. Let us know what you think.

Coypright, Woman to Woman Blog Talk, All rights reserved. Repost, July 26, 2010, first posted May 18, 2010

Infidelity = A Form of Abuse

This article is republished from Sanctuary for the Abused http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/
Posted, June 25, 2011

Photo: abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Infidelity causes pain and suffering. Sometimes, it becomes a form of emotional violence.

By Michael Clanchy and Chris Trotter

The Age (Melbourne, Australia), excerpts under "fair use" to encourage you to read the article, stimulate discussion.

When Joanne finally mustered the strength to end her eight-year relationship with George, she was still displaying all the symptoms of a victim of physical and psychological abuse - anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem and a distorted sense of reality.

Yet George was no typical perpetrator of domestic violence. He had not laid a hand on Joanne during their relationship and only rarely raised his voice to her. Yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her to the point of illness and hospitalisation through his relentless pursuit of a long-standing sexual affair with his work colleague, Davina.

Adultery, deception and romantic triangles are the staple fare of novels, lifestyle magazines and TV dramas. We watch the scenarios unfold for our entertainment and diversion. We sometimes talk with callous fascination about our friends and acquaintances in the same situations. But rarely do we stop to acknowledge the real human pain and suffering that accompanies these events and the cruel consequences that sometimes follow from them.

In many instances, betrayal through infidelity can be very close to what we term domestic violence. Unfaithful parties are often insensitive to the pain they inflict, as are perpetrators of physical and psychological violence. Often the faithful party is as vulnerable and dependent as the victim of repeated bashing. Furthermore, the behaviour patterns of ongoing infidelity often parallel the well-documented stages in the cycle of domestic abuse.

To understand the connection: between infidelity and domestic abuse, we need to look at what infidelity entails. When two people commit to an ongoing relationship, in most cases they commit to sharing certain life activities, and sharing them to the exclusion of others. This exclusivity distinguishes the bond of their affection and partnership.

In Western societies, sexual and physical intimacy, best-friend status, the sharing of personal information and the priority allocation of time, attention and resources usually occurs to the exclusion of others.

Infidelity is essentially a breach of this commitment. The infidelity may be sexual, or it may be emotional, where a partner goes over to a third party, in the sense that they share a primacy of affection, time or other resource, normally reserved for or freely given to a life partner.

Why is infidelity abusive? Why is it sometimes a form of psychological and emotional violence? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a violent attack. It results in humiliation, hurt and loss for the injured partner. The betrayal is usually perceived as a direct attack on the faithful partner's worth as a person and as a partner.

A research project involving in-depth interviews with a number of women and men who have experienced infidelity has been conducted at Monash University. The stories reveal numerous parallels between certain cases of infidelity and cases of psychological and physical abuse.

The research found that common characteristics of abuse and infidelity include:

- The Recurring Cycle. As with domestic violence, infidelity can become an ongoing feature of some relationships.

- Similar Phases. Ongoing infidelity sometimes follows a path similar to the well-documented domestic abuse cycle. A typical cycle might include a tension build-up phase, the infliction of pain, a brief period of remorse and guilt and then the reconciliation phase, followed by a return to tension build-up.

- Apparent Indifference of the Betraying Partner. Apart from brief periods of guilt and remorse after critical incidents of abuse or infidelity, the betrayers/abusers tend to be insensitive to the pain and distress they inflict on their partners. They often continue their infidelity or abuse without accepting responsibility for the anguish they cause.

- Similarity of the Responses of the Injured Parties. Those who stay for significant periods of time with partners who are unfaithful, often display the same psychological and social symptoms exhibited by victims of systematic abuse. Some of these symptoms include:

- deep personal suffering; - low self-esteem and a sense of worthlessness; - a sense of helplessness and a lack of control over their lives; - a dependency on the betraying partner and a need for their approval; and - a distorted sense of reality in which they can begin to believe that their partner's infidelity is their own fault.

In the case of Joanne, for example, over time she began to question what she had done to make her husband want another woman. She concluded she was worthless and unattractive. She blamed herself for being jealous and possessive. She tortured herself to the point where, she said, she thought she would go mad. She had lost sight of the simple reality that George's infidelity was both his choice and a breach of their mutual commitment.

- Breaking the Cycle. Behaviour patterns established by partners in abuse and infidelity situations can be difficult to change. Like domestic violence, unfaithful behaviour does not often cease of its own accord, but calls for definitive action on the part of either the perpetrator, the affected party or both.

Unfaithful behaviour is heavily associated with lies, deception and denial. Overseas research suggests that if a relationship is to survive, the unfaithful partner needs to admit the destructive nature of their behaviour, accept responsibility for its damaging effects and close off inappropriate contact with the third party.

By the same token, the faithful partner needs to signal clearly what behaviour they will accept and what behaviour they will not accept and be prepared to take action consistent with their words.

- Endurance, Strength and Survival. From our circle of family and friends and from stories we read in the papers, we all know of situations of infidelity and abuse that have ended tragically.

Nevertheless, the most encouraging aspects in the Monash University research are the many examples of endurance and survival in the stories of people subjected to the trauma of infidelity.

The survivors have struggled with their pain, some for many years. Most have eventually found their inner strength, have taken some control of their situation and moved on with their lives on their own terms. Some have done this with their existing partners, some without.

Michael Clanchy is a writer and qualified counsellor.

Dr Chris Trotter is a senior lecturer in social work at Monash University (Melbourne, Australia).

Labels: betrayal, emotional abuse, emotional rape, infidelity, lying, violence

shared by Barbara at 12:49 AM . Use the link below to view article source.

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