Finding the Love You Deserve this Winter

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By our Relationship Coach, Stephanie Tru

Aaaah! It’s fall, that time of year when the leaves change and sway to the ground in beautiful colors of brown, gold, and green. It’s the time of year you grab the ladder from the garage and make your way to the attic to retrieve that box of sweaters you put away last spring. This is also said to be one of the loneliest times of the year for women all over the US. Single women everywhere will start worrying if they’ll have to make a solo appearance at the office holiday party again or if they’ll have anyone to spend romantic nights with curled up in front of the fireplace with a blanket. Yes we are in the mist of “cuddle season”. You or someone you know will start searching Facebook for your old flames who might be interested in spending some quality time with you again or, if your pride is too strong, you’ll just bury yourself in your work and try to keep your head under snow until the new year.

Photo:conversations.blackvoice.com

I often wonder why even the most seemingly confident, single women show such signs of insecurity during the winter months. Maybe it’s because there’s so many holiday parties to attend, one doesn’t want to attend alone, or maybe all the questions from friends and family as to why they don’t have a boyfriend? People, for whatever reason tend to notice your relationship status more in the winter for some reason. Many women will accept dates from men they’d traditionally turn down in every other season of the year, or they will wallow in sadness at their single status. What’s a girl to do?

First off, I want to say women should stop feeling so sad about being single. You are never really “not in a relationship” because you are always having a relationship with yourself. This fact might not feel very comforting to you at the moment, but keep reading and you’ll understand my point. I always say “A man’s rejection might just be God’s protection”. Now let me explain this idea so nobody gets confused.

I’m not proposing that whatever reasons men might not be ringing your phone off the hook is because they are so stupid and blind to how amazing you are. Sure that might be true, but sometimes it really could be you. There’s two ways this idea plays out in real life: Either God’s protecting your time and heart from someone who isn’t for you or God’s protecting you from ruining it with a great guy, because you actually aren’t prepared to be dating him anyway and saving you the heartache of hearing, “It’s not you. It’s me,” or “I’m just really trying to focus on my career right not” followed by a dial tone and a block on all social media sites.

The great thing is, in either case, this gives you a chance to get your mess of a life together or more opportunities to enjoy the single life and continue to cultivate all the skills that make you fabulous already. As you wait for your dream guy to sweep you off your feet this season, or hell just a guy to take you to dinner, here are things you should be doing to prepare yourself for a winter romance or just to increase your value to yourself and others:

1.) Keep a daily journal where you chronicle your experience, but most of all make a list of all your accomplishments for that day. It can be as small as, "I ate a piece of fruit for a snack at work and resisted the vending machine", or "I cleaned out the garage finally and now everything is in its proper place". I try to write down at least 5 accomplishments per day.

Result: This will build confidence as you’ll see how much more you accomplish when you know you have to be accountable in your journal at the end of the day. Men like women with purpose and drive, so you definitely want to have things going on in your life that don’t just include shopping, watch trashy reality shows, and looking for a man. This exercise will either reveal how active your life is and how on top of things you are or it will show the lack of goals or depth and substance your current activities bring.

2.) Hit the gym. Love is not blind and a heart attack isn’t bias. I am not preaching to you that the only way to land a guy is to be a size two, but I am advocating for dedication to better health. When you look better you feel better. If you’re single this fall, you might find yourself spending a lot of time by alone anyhow, so why not jump start that diet you’ve been promising yourself you would, or purchase that workout program you’ve been saying all year you’d love to try. While the rest of the country in January will be making resolutions to get fit and lose weight you’ll already be 10 steps ahead and you can slide into spring feeling sexy, confident, and full of energy.

Result: A healthier you, a smaller waist line, boost of confidence, more energy, more vitality, and improved moods

3.) Decide what you want in a boyfriend. Then decide what you’re willing to give in the relationship. Many women have absolutely no clue what they want out of a man. They quote a lot of stuff they heard their girlfriends say, but never had really taken the time to decide for themselves. I’m not just talking about the superficial list of qualities that immediately come to mind like rock hard abs, swollen bank account, and fabulous condo in your favorite part of the city. I’m talking about thoughts like wanting the man to be confident, appreciative, kind hearted, good with money management, ambitious, pro marriage, and many other things. This might not be your things, but those above were just listed as examples.

Result: The world is funny, in that, when you have no idea what you want and send out mix message you get jacked up, mixed results. Deciding what you what and what you’re prepared to do for a boyfriend makes it so much easier to attract those men into your life. You won’t deal with men who don’t fit your fundamental standards, which will leave you available to the prospects you want.

4.) Get your finances in order.

It’s my personal opinion that if your finances are a mess the last thing you need to be doing is entering into a relationship. It’s easy to say that you aren’t a “gold digger” until that man starts flashing cash all around, taking you to fancy places, and buying lavish gifts. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be happy and accept a man wanting to spoil you, but you don’t want to fall prey to NEEDING him to do so, otherwise your life retreats back to lack and living pay check to pay check. Get your finances in order so that you can want and desire your man but not need him to feed yourself. Men hate feeling used and you’ll hate for being dependent on him. If you give yourself a price someone will buy and you never should allow yourself to become someone’s property. You all know what I mean.

Result: You’ll attract the type of men that have their financial house in order as well. He will see that you are able to receive all that a good man can bring, but you won’t be hitting him up for a loan to pay your car note and you might even be able to pick up the check on a few dates. It’s so much more fun falling in love with someone for the simple joy of it rather than having desperation to land a guy who can save you from your money woes. There’s nothing attractive about a broke woman whose begging men for money.

5.) Last, but not least, you need to GET RID of all baggage. Yes I know you are human and there are things that have happened in your relationships in the past that still affect you, but you must deal with them. Women always make the mistake of burying their pain and ignoring it hoping it will go away. I’m sure you already know it doesn’t and soon it rears its ugly head—again! Sometimes the best way to get over past breakups is to just go through the hurt. If you need to cry, rip up a photo of the two of you together, vent to a close friend or even better pray and talk to God about it. Please do so. The sooner you free yourself from any pain you’re feeling, even if it’s something that happened years ago, the better you’ll be. Looking for a guy while you’re emotionally unavailable is like wearing a sign that says I am incapable of giving myself to anyone. So to all the men who prey on broken, insecure, and bagging filled women, PLEASE CALL ME; I’m ready to have by heart played with and stomped on.

Result: You’ll feel ten pounds lighter and notice how much positivity flows to you in the forms of people and circumstances now that you have let go of all that baggage that weighed you down. You’ll have no problem attracting the men you want because you’ll be open and clear to concentrate on a new person and all that the relationship can bring to your life.

If you’re alone for the winter or coupled up, these tips I’ve shared will help you grow and create a more harmonious environment for relationships. Something tells me that after reading this you’ll be ready to make the changes necessary to move your dating life from stagnant to busy and fabulous. Good luck in love this fall!

How is your love life right now? Are you happily coupled up or does your single life suck? Feel free to comment below. Tell us all about it!

Copyright Woman to Woman Blog Talk. All rights reserved, 2011.

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Judging and Blaming the Woman Can Worsen Domestic Violence

By Woman to Woman Blog Talk Click to LIKE us on FACEBOOK

If you or someone you know is in an abusive marriage or relationship, hard as it is, the only option is to leave! Unfortunately, for many women it is not that simple. In the meantime, these women are often made to feel responsible for the abuse and violence.

What is more disturbing is the ease at which some blame the woman for domestic violence committed against her, often without understanding the myriad of factors and issues at play. Ironically, women are more often the ones who are quick to cast blame. Without accepting that women are to be blamed, relevant questions are: What about the man? Should his actions be overlooked, justified, condoned?

When persons find out that a woman suffered lengthy periods of domestic abuse and violence, often the first question that comes is, “Why did you stay with him?” There is no one or clear answer to the question, and, as Psychologist Lenore E. Walker, Battered Woman pointed out way back in the 1970′s, there are “complex psychological and sociological reasons,“ which help explain why women stay. As relevant as the question “Why does she stay?“ may be, we have to be careful about what we ask or say in such sensitive situations. It can do more harm than good. Asking such questions can suggest that the woman either enjoyed or thrived on the abuse and is to be blamed for what happened to her. Obviously, if she didn’t like it she would leave, right? Or, is her self-esteem that low? Those are often not the reasons why a woman chooses to stay. In fact, I won’t even regard it as a choice, since often times she is staying against her will. Looking on from the outside, for example as a relative or friend, we must understand the effects of our words and actions towards the abused woman. We can make the situation worse by our approach without realizing it!

Until you are in that woman’s shoes, you will not know, as she may put it, “how hard it is to leave and how difficult it is to stay.” It’s like being “caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.”

Don’t get me wrong, this article is not meant to encourage women to stay in abusive relationships nor is it meant to justify why they do not leave. The purpose is to highlight key reasons why some women stay and, perhaps more importantly, to caution victim-blamers. As a person on the outside, the key role is to support, not to judge and blame. Blaming the woman even after she quitted the violent relationship can also have adverse effects.

Some things victim-blamers and people generally should understand

•Victim-blaming can breed dangerous consequences for the victim, e.g., cause her to lose self-esteem, and ultimately stay in her situation in fear of being further judged, humiliated, embarrassed, and isolated by those to whom she tells her story. Make no mistake, victims need help and a safer place to stay. But, your duty is not to add salt to her wounds. If she stays on, she can eventually wind up badly injured or dead!

If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, you must also understand that abusive relationships don’t start with violence. One expert pointed out that abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. By then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time. It’s hard to judge the decisions a victim makes to survive. But people nonetheless jump to victim-blaming with ease.

Also, victim-blamers often don’t understand that abusers work to break the victim’s self-esteem. Even though victim–blamers know the abuser is the villain, they will still jump to the conclusion that a woman who stays with such a man is clearly a fool—one who chooses to condone the situation.

“Blaming women for causing men to batter them has resulted in their shame, embarrassment, denial, and further loss of self esteem. The batterer feels justified in his violent behavior because society says it is really the woman’s fault, not his. It perpetuates his notion that he should beat her up because she did something to make him angry. What gets lost in this victim’s precipitation ideology is the fact that such violence is not acceptable behaviour.” (Walker)

Be non-judgmental. Instead, try to understand the issues and why the woman stays without directly seeking answers from the victim herself. Think about it and ask yourself what obstacles might prevent her from leaving her partner. Does she love him? Is he the father of her child/children? Does he control the finances?

Why some women stay

There are a number of reasons that can explain why many women feel forced to stay in their abusive relationships. Some common reasons are:

•Lack of resources

•Responses by services and authorities

•Tradition

Lack of resources

“He is the breadwinner and I don’t have money to take care of myself and children” is a common answer to the question, “Why stay?” When she does not have the financial resources to leave she doesn’t, as she often fears a lower standard of living for herself and children. Statistics show that many abused women are those who are:

•Unemployed and/or don’t have their own property;

•Have had their cash or bank accounts cut off by the abuser;

•Have at least one minor child;

•Fear losing joint assets and custody of their children, etc.

Responses by authorities and services

The police, clergy, and social workers have duties to deal with domestic violence. The question is how effective are they in dealing with them? Unfortunately, in some countries or states, police may sometime treat incidents of domestic violence as mere “domestic disputes” or a “private matter,” rather than as serious crimes in which one person is physically assaulting another. Fortunately, many if not all U.S states strive towards a zero-tolerance approach to domestic abuse and violence. As an option, a restraining/protection order can be obtained to prevent further physical contact/abuse by the abuser, but such orders are not a guaranteed shield against a repeat of violence.

Tradition

Tradition can be good but sometimes it can be our worst enemy. Suggest divorce as an option or the way out of her violent relationship and the victim will almost always look at you as if you’re crazy. Paranoid about saving her marriage—sadly at all cost, she may accuse you of wanting to break up her marriage. Blame it on tradition. Society is so skewed in its thinking that it sees and measures a woman’s worth by her ability to ‘keep a man’; that women are responsible for making their marriage or relationship work; and therefore if it fails, they have failed.

At the end of the day, breaking off the relationship is usually not an option for many of these women—well, at least, not a simple option, especially when children are involved or if the victims are financially weak. As a last resort and by the time she could muster the courage to cut her losses, she would have already lost a lot of herself.

Remember, support NOT judge and blame. “By perpetuating the belief that it is rational to blame the victim for her abuse, we ultimately excuse men for their crime…The violence will only cease when every person, man or woman, stops defensively rationalizing and begins to understand just how such acts come about in our culture and why they continue.” (Walker)

Women, you have an even greater responsibility to stand up for your fellow women.

Why do you think she stays? We welcome your comments below. Let us know what you think.

Coypright, Woman to Woman Blog Talk, All rights reserved. Repost, July 26, 2010, first posted May 18, 2010