Written by: Delina B, The Other Factor
Ever met someone new, that you're absolutely excited about, only to get your hopes dashed and your heart crushed in a matter of weeks!? Well, welcome to reality! Hopefully, after reading this article, you will change the way you get into relationships, and this applies to both platonic and romantic relationships.
You have to take your time and get to know someone, and you must 'play' by the rules.
Now, let us call the approach the 90-day rule.
Why do we call it the 90-day rule? Because studies suggested that within at least 90 days of meeting someone new, you should have a widely general idea of that person's personality and intentions. Although you're not going to gather every gory detail you possibly can, you're likely to see their basic, general characteristics which, if known, can pretty much give you an insight into the more intricate details of that person's character.
How many times have you met someone, man or woman, and you kind of "clicked", and you're so excited about the possibilities of a friendship or relationship, that, you jump right into it, with complete naivety, only to find later on that you regret it? You soon find out, usually within the first 90 days, either their very ugly characteristics or the ugly details of that person's life. You very quickly find out that the individual is untrustworthy, aggressive, dishonest , controlling, you name it, but, by then you might have already invested in the relationship, whether physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, or otherwise.
Here's a typical example: Lucy recently met William, about 6 weeks ago. She was super excited about him, especially since they clicked right from the start! At first blush, he fits the profile of the guy she has been dreaming of. He has zero trait of the guy on her "don't date that guy" list. Lately, though, Lucy has been seeing some major changes in William's attitude and behavior. He seems preoccupied with whatever else, and when he's not, he's busy trying to control Lucy's life. The other day he got into a jealous rage, accusing Lucy of looking at another guy. As if that wasn't enough, William has "road rage", and has cuffed walls at least twice in the past two weeks, in anger over insignificant things. By now, Lucy has already invested a lot of time, money, and emotions into the new relationship. In fact, it probably shouldn't have been classed as a relationship. After all, William and Lucy just met. They've already began intimacy, and met a few of each other's friends. But now, Lucy is beginning to regret everything, attributing it to "too much, too soon." Not to mention, William might be quite the jerk no woman wants to encounter.
Many times we fall in love with a jerk because we are "blinded by love" and lose the ability to be rational. This is why we have to ensure a balance of the head and heart, and not to trust too naively, in order to avoid being in relationships which are unhealthy for us.
Lucy's kind of situation is quite the type the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM) (which we will discuss later on in this article) seeks to help you avoid, as the author of the "Jerk" book (See How To Avoid Falling in Love With A Jerk) cautions us to take our time, when establishing relationships.
Here's another typical example of "too much too soon," in violation of the 90-day rule and the RAM model. This time it applies to friendship relationships.
Sarah and Ann recently met at a social networking event and immediately 'hit it off'. Sarah herself was amazed at how quickly they befriended each other, because Sarah knows that women don't usually gravitate to her quite easily. Also, Sarah was badly betrayed by 'women friends' in the past, and those experiences have eroded her trust in female friends. Against her wisdom, gathered from past experiences, Sarah still went ahead and dived head long into the friendship relationship. Ann seems a really, really nice person, Sarah thought, and Sarah was convinced Ann was 'different' from the 'rest', the same way Sarah had thought of other female acquaintances, who would later betray her trust. As such, within 25 days of meeting, Sarah has divulged some pretty private information about her life to Ann. Eventually, the two friends had a minor falling out, and before you knew it, and before they had time to try and move beyond the falling out, Sarah started hearing rumors about herself, repeated by co-workers. She knew it had to have been the handiwork of that "untrustworthy" Ann!
Do any of these examples sound familiar to you?
The RAM formula, developed by John Van Epp, author, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind, simply put, advocates that we should only give as much as we get, and I would like to add, give a little less than you're getting, at least until you are sure about the other person. People who jump too quickly into relationships, whether it's a romantic or platonic relationship, usually set themselves up to get hurt.
RAM is used to portray the primary forces that create bonds in relationships. The five dynamics of RAM are (1) Know (2) Trust (3) Rely (4) Commit (5) Touch, and they are explained in terms of their unique contributions to the bond developed in a relationship and how they interact with each other. Notice the order of the dynamics, and this is pretty much the order to proceed. We shouldn't commit to or get physical with people we do not yet know or trust or can rely on. Each stage is supposed too be taken in order.
It is also important to maintain a balance among the 5 dynamics, in other words, avoid allowing one of the key components to run ahead of the other. So, therefore, and simply explained, if, on a scale from 1 to 10, your trust for the person you're entering into a relationship or friendship with is a number 3, then 3 is the same degree you know that person and, therefore, the same degree you should rely, commit, or consider physical intimacy or involvement.
You are heading towards an emotionally and physically unsafe relationship or friendship if there are extreme imbalances, for example, between the extent of reliance and the amount of trust you have for each other. You should 'hold back' if you notice one of the dynamics going ahead of another. "You are in an unsafe relationship when you depend on a partner who has not earned your trust or has consistently broken your trust."
“...never go further on one bonding area than you have gone in the previous....Slipping out of the zone explains the most common mistake people make in relationships. When the levels of the five dynamics are out of balance, then the emotional bond becomes unhealthy, and you tend to overlook crucial characteristics of the other person that should be exposed and explored."
Maintaining a balance of the five dynamics allows you to avoid over-attachment to your friend or partner and helps you maintain a clear and objective perspective of your partner or friendship relationship.
You should not trust easily or wantonly, or naively. This caution applies to both intimate and non-intimate relationships.Trust is a value that must be earned, and, so, it presupposes an allotment of time to allow trust to develop over a gradual period. And, remember, when it comes to the values of TRUST, RELIANCE, COMMITTMENT and INTIMACY (sexual or non sexual) these values should be exercised after you have given the recipient of your trust and reliance at least four seasons to prove him or her self, which in essence means to prove the content of their character. If that individual passes the test, then, and only then, are you in a safer position to consider opening up more of yourself to him or her, and be assured that your relationship is progressing in a healthy manner, decreasing the chances for disappointment and emotional pain.
Don't just know, enforce the 90-day rule!
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